i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
