Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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