Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
