I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
