Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
