I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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