hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
