I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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