so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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