Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
