I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
