summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
