is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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