I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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