Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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