I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
