all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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