im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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