dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
