R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
