The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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