apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just cropdusted the office
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
