There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
