Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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