Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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