and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
