mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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