Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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