If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
