i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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