the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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