That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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