I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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