unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
