he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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