running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
not ubering you a puppy
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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