Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
