two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
