I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
