Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
