She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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