I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
