I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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