If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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