i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
