i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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