No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
