i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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