I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Actions speak louder than pants.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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