In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
