there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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