Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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